Let’s talk blatant reality, shall we? I know often times I don’t fall in your ‘pleasant person’ category. You have probably tried the J.M Dignan’s Big Five Traits grouping on me, only you can’t quite place me in one box and put a label on me. Trust me, countless times I have tried and failed to understand me too. Two opposites exist in me. There are only few moments, mostly in the evenings, when I am ‘normal’ and calm.  And that’s all about me

It is true, my noble intentions are stained with pride.  It is true, my selfless deeds are mired with excitements for fame. And fear motivates my brave actions. But in the chaos of my mind I have managed to create bits of me I love the most. In spite of the confusions in my heart I have managed to fuse passion in my spirit. In between certainty and uncertainty, I have loved unconditionally. On the verge of darkness I have sat still, as my heart bled. While I wait for the sun rise.

In the numerous bad that trail my name, the bellow three are some of the good in me that I like.

I’m in charge of Me.

Yesterday morning we were to head to a certain high-profile event with a buddy of mine. Since most weekdays my schedule runs late into the night, the day before, the friend fervently promised that he would pass by my place at 7 am to wake me up. My alarms never seem to work, and the days when they work, I will immediately snooze them. These days I am at the mercy of my internal clock. So, I agreed to my buddy’s arrangements and burnt the midnight oil to the last drop.

In the morning the guy never passed by, and I slept till noon. In the evening when I went over to his place, his face was burdened with guilt and embarrassment. Nervousness impaired his every action. He kept apologizing over and over, till I started feeling a little uncomfortable. Patiently I explained to him that there in no way his failure to keep me in cheek could strain our relation. Being able to acknowledge that it is I who ought to be in charge of my life has enable me to be in the position to comfortably dealing with the regrets of past mistakes, the pressure of the present moment and the anxiety of things to come.

Forever a Student.

Perhaps this is my favorite of all my lovely traits; the humility to remain a student. My patience to wait is the shortest there can be on earth, but my patience to sit down and listen, even to the ideologies that contradicts mine, is the longest. I think of this as the law of compensation at work. I am of the opinion that anyone can be right to an extent, although not necessarily wholly right. And that everyone has a story to tell.

In that story, there are flickers of truth. It took me a while, and a lot of will, to accept that my perspectives and opinions and preferences, are not the best there can be. And that, just because the doctrines, cultures, were passed down to me does not make them the best there is. This acknowledgment creates in me the ecstatic desire to read and watch documentaries on virtually every topic. This acknowledgment creates in me the compassion to accept our human differences; be it in religious beliefs, political affiliations or romantic interests. And most importantly, this acknowledgement keeps me striving to be a better me.

Friendship Above All.

I pay loyalty with loyalty, no matter the cost. Well, the number of my friends can’t form a fist, but they will always know that I am their friend. I value personal relation above family and even love. From my observations, most families have cracks beneath the flowery pleasantries and smiles because of the fundamental assumption that since we are of one blood, by default we’re friends. And most relationships and marriages, not that I have tied the knots, have gone to the drains because of the tendency to substitute philia with eros. Or in clearer terms, friendship with romance. In my world, friendships means much more than romance.

Of course these traits that i claim are my favorites are to perfect. Everyday is a chance to be better. Today’s post was limited to inner circle friends. If you’re reading this, know that you are my friend.